As I write from my villa/bungalow, I still don’t know what the heck the difference is in all of these accommodations out here in Bali..
But the one thing I do know is, as I overlook my balcony with the beach right in front of me, my mosquito net covered bed behind me (oh how I love these), my heart aches, it hurts.
Why you may ask? My broken heart that still aches from time to time...
The moments where I spontaneously start crying.
Even though I’m surrounded by beauty, the broken heart I still carry inside, needs her moments to bleed out the pain, the grief, the sadness.
What’s my natural inclination?
To reach out to my former love.
To tell him that my heart aches for him, that I still need him…
But then my mind kicks in, reminds why we are no longer together, I wipe my tears and then go out to dance with Mama Bali to see what magic awaits me.
When I’m dancing with her magic and at times my frustration with her lack of Wi-Fi, dangerous motorbikes blazing everywhere, or short lived hot water, I get lost in her movements.
I think to myself “Oh I’m healed, I’m good, it’s okay for me to move on forward and find love again...”
Because what I keep telling everyone is, I want to fall in love again.
In fact, if I found my one, I would get married tomorrow!
Or I see a beautiful man and I think “Ooo la la, yes please!”… “See, see, my heart is healed, I can move on.”…
But when I come back to my surroundings and all is calm, my heart begins to ache again and so the tears fall.
You may be reading this and thinking, “You see, this is why I don’t fall in love. This is why I have closed down my heart, why I’ve locked it up and thrown away the key!”
Why is it that I want to fall in love again, even though my heart still hurts and aches?
With each new adventure, each random food I eat, each bungalow/villa I stay at, each new beach, wave or stunning rice terrace I see here in Bali…
My mind drifts.
It drifts back to my former love.
If only he were here. Would he enjoy it? What would he think if he saw me running and laughing, playing like a child in my wonderment and world of Bali?
What would he think of this person who runs around in flip-flops, loose clothing, curly hair and minimal makeup?
Knowing him, he would love this side of me.
To answer your question, I’m open to love again because of the love my former love and I experienced together. (wow I just used love a lot of times in one sentence!)
We loved raw, real, deep, intensely and at times, beautifully.
No amount of beauty I experience here in Bali can ever replace my most favorite thing we experienced…
Holding each other at night as we fell asleep. In my opinion, we were the worlds best cuddlers. No one could cuddle the way we did, our bodies met each other perfectly. (Even as I write this the tears pour out of me like a waterfall.)
Or our times where we would have our morning coffee, sit on the couch together and get lost in conversation for hours.
Where 2, 3 o’clock would roll around and we’d soon realize due to our rumbling stomachs, that we had not eaten.
Or the times where he would laugh so hard, (his sister had a beautiful way of disrupting his logical mind and make him laugh so hard, you’d think he were about to spray out the wine in his mouth!), that it would light my heart up so brightly seeing him this free in joy and laughter.
(As I sit here and write this, I’m watching two begging cats who have been howling for ages, get thrown pieces of bread.. and even in this simplicity my eyes shed tears at the beauty of life and how every gesture can be of love for one another… even crying cats and the humans who showed compassion below my balcony terrace, to feed them.)
Or the way he would hold space for me. I’m such a verbal processor and a huge processor at that…
So I would often say “Cooks (I called him “Cooks” which was short for cookie, because he was so adorable that I always wanted to eat him), do you mind if I share with you what’s been on my heart/mind today?”
And he would always graciously say, “Yes of course”, which we both knew, he was signing up for what would turn into an hour or two conversation.
These, these are the reasons why I want to fall in love again.
Sure I see couples fighting, arguing, while I’m on my travels...
Yes, often times I think “F*ck that, I’m glad I’m not having to deal with that sh*t anymore.”
But the bliss outweighs the arguments, the frustrations and even the hurt that comes with relationship.
So why are we afraid?
We’re afraid because of where I am now.
Dealing, feeling the hurt, the aches and the pain of a break up.
But I assure you of this… not all of the beauty in Bali could replace being held every single night, even when I was angry at him (he would slowly work his way to my side of the bed, hold me and I would sigh, knowing that everything would be alright in the world as long as I had his arms holding me)…
Than the love we shared.
This, this is why I want to love again.
Thank you my heart, I love all of your movements