When we come from homes where love looks distorted, hurtful, dysfunctional and unhappy, we tend to go in one or another direction. We either typically seek for love desperately or we run, hide and avoid it altogether. Those who search for love desperately will go after it like a hunt for food as one who has not eaten in days, weeks! The others who run from love, run as if a flesh eating zombie was on their tail and they run for full preservation of life.
To both parties, the reality and the perspective is very real, however because love for them is birthed out of hurt, their journey to pursue love comes out of fear. Feeling abandoned and left out on the love thats projected to be so wonderful as the movies portray, they run a course thats doused in frustration, anxiety and unfulfillment. It seems like a cruel search, but this search for love from a hurt perspective is the same journey that most are on. I can assure you that 70% of your friends are running after love with eyes that are muddied by hurt, disappointment and defeat.
When our picture of what looks like is so perverted from the truth, how on earth do we actually go after love when we don’t have a clue as to what it looks like? Hollywood projects it as this intense emotion thats provoked by a crescendo from the likes of Hans Zimmer, that is followed by a waterworks show like the Bellagio water fountain of tears that stream from ones face. It doesn’t show you that when your world falls apart that the married couple bickers, fight, perhaps they even break glass, but at night they hold onto each other for dear life as they know love is the only thing to get them through. It doesn’t always show you how the couple who has the new baby screaming with colic at 3 in the morning somehow manages to find time to make love the next morning, bad breath, hair and all.
What do we do? What do we need? We need a fresh perspective of what real love is like, we need to seek for love with clear eyes. Well Arica, how does one get “clear eyes” while searching for love? You start turning your focus to those who have real love. You ask them questions, you do the practical. Like learning a new subject, it takes time to study, time to focus, effort to put into practice that which you have learned. Talk to other couples, ask them the real questions, read books on authors who have beautiful marriages. I am so blessed and I mean so blessed to have parents who have been married all of my life.
My parents have been through a lot of shit together, they’ve almost lost each of their children on numerous occasions yet they have stood together through it all. My dad still makes my mom laugh in the mornings, they still date each other, they still hug and kiss often. I can’t tell you how many times I get to hear my dad go on and on about how much he loves my mom. My mom constantly brags as to what a good man my dad is and he truly is. They are 2 of the most loving people I have ever met and I’m so fortunate that they pour that love all over me.
Watching them in the past 2 years has changed me as a woman, it has healed hurts in my heart from past disappointments with love and the aches of it all by observing and gleaning from them. My vision of love has become purified, restored and mended. As a result I am compelled to love better and to learn more and more about what love looks like and how its applied. Because of their unconditional love for one another and for me it has helped clear my eyes as to what love should really look like.
What about you? Are you up for the challenge to step beyond your comforts and look for those who have real love, ask them what it’s about and reevaluate your pursuit? I dare you.