Whew, this one can be a toughy, but I’m gonna go there. A reader asked me to write about “”to be or not to be”- the pros guide to indecision – to be In a relationship or not to be “. You’d be surprised how often I actually I get asked this question. Why is it such a difficult one? Very simple (I’ll share why it’s simple, keep reading) and yet so hard, when the heart has invested so much it’s not always easy to walk away. Break ups come with a cost and typically are not easy to walk out. Grant it there are some who are just done, so for them the process may be a bit easier, but for the rest it’s incredibly painful.
Most of the time we’re not in tune with our hearts. “Wait, how can you just say that Arica?” Look at us, we’re constantly on our phones, most of us are rushing around like chickens with our heads cut off, or we’re just trying to survive. If its not that, then we’re escaping at every chance we can get by spacing ourselves out with television, alcohol, drugs, over eating and obsessive shopping. We sometimes will do everything we can to keep us from truly feeling and you know what? It’s killing us. It’s separating us from the source of life, our hearts and it drags us into such a perplexed delusional state that we find ourselves asking “What the hell do I really want?”
Well to answer that question, you’ll have to give yourself the opportunity to feel and you’ll have to actually invest time into being quiet so that you can hear all that you’ve been muffling your heart from saying. This is where I find that the answer is simple as your heart when it’s in a healthy place, it’s been given a voice and the freedom to speak freely (this is a process by the way) knows exactly what it wants. It becomes incredibly difficult in a break up when your heart says “This isn’t for me and I want out.” Sometimes our hearts will even say “I didn’t want this from the beginning, but you dragged me into this, so here we are.” We know what it takes to walk out the break up, or we have a good idea and know that it entails a hefty price.
Face it some relationships are there for a season, a reason or they are meant forever, I’m sure you’ve heard this saying. I’ve poured myself into relationships where I knew ultimately the relationship would never completely fulfill me in the long run, but in that particular season of my life the relationship produced tremendous fruit. But when the time came to move on it wasn’t easy, despite all that I knew inside. So when people ask me this question I know they’re deeply wrestling on the inside and this is where I encourage them to look at the future.
What do you see for yourself in the future? What does life look like? What do you want in the future? Does the person you’re in relationship with fit that picture? First and foremost relationships are supposed to be life giving, they’re supposed to add to your life, not take away. How does this person affect your identity? Do you both share core values? Are they committed to grow with you or do they refuse and remain emotionally stagnant?
Once you realize your answer, be true to your heart and follow through. If your heart whispers that it’s right for you, step back and love on yourself for awhile. Before you return to that person expecting something out of them, be sure to share the love with yourself. After your full, return as your heart will be in a much stronger and aware space, from there you’re able to enjoy everything the relationship provides. But if you know your heart is saying “It’s time to move on”, let me be very honest with you. It will take tremendous courage. It will require a major backbone that says “I am committed to loving myself well and this isn’t apart of that any longer, so I must move on because I love myself more.” (Sound selfish… ask a mother who’s childs safety is threatened and watch how she reacts to the person putting her childs life in jeopardy. If you think jeopardizing what your heart wants and needs isn’t along these same lines then you’re in for a rude awakening because its exactly like that.)
It’s time…. it’s time to walk away from your computer, your cell phone and spend some real time with your heart. Separate from everyone elses opinion and listen earnestly. To be or not to be? It’s an answer your heart is ready to answer if you’ll only listen.
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