Honesty, hmmm.. now this is a rare thing when it comes to matters of the heart, but a pursuit that I’m all about pursuing and promoting like an LA club promoter. Being honest and naked with this heart of ours. A bit risky? Yah, but I’d rather be honest, then wasteful!
So let me be honest here. Getting married young and going through a divorce after a marriage of 7 years, has not been one of the highlights of my life. Though I learned so much in those years, it was a journey that I wouldn’t necessarily recommend. Getting married young that is. Needless to say, that after going through a divorce, I became quite cold and callous about the whole “Love Department”.
I remember seeing an old friend who I knew while I was married and over dinner we discussed marriage, family, the works. She was of course, married and wanting children. The idea to me sounded disgusting. Going through the big D, the last thing I wanted to talk about was marriage and children for that matter. Being quite defensive over the subject matter, I remember spouting off “You know, I’m not sure what the big deal is. What’s so wrong with staying single and Not having children?” There was definitely a bite behind my statement and a sting to go with that bite.
At that point, living the rest of my life as a Spinster sounded like an incredible idea. I had it all planned out! I had started my own business and was doing real estate, so my idea was that I’d be this really successful entrepreneur, while dating any and every man I wanted. It sounded superb! I was so excited about it and dated my brains out!
Date Sunday through Wednesday and leaving Thursday through Saturday open for many more dating possibilities. To say it was shameless and disappointing, would be an absolute lie. I had the time of my life! I couldn’t fathom why on earth anyone would want to stay in on the weekend watching movies, when they could be out at the club meeting more new exciting guys!
My friends thought I was a club’ster on crack, because I was addicted to it! Needless to say, its the season where I accumulated so many of my dating stories and probably one of the most fun seasons of my life! However, life didn’t go the way I expected. For one, real estate was crashing and the second was, despite how much fun I had while dating, I kept getting the itch for love.
So I’d go through seasons of “I want to be in a meaningful relationship” to, screw it, “Spinster for life!” The truth was, I felt a sense of security of being the “Spinster”. As long as I was controlling my destiny and secluding my heart from true intimacy, I could avoid the risk of getting hurt and rejected. I was in control and for me, I thought this was the final victory and my safety net for that matter.
The problem was my “Spinster Safety Net” was actually blocking me from love and the control that I thought was serving me, was actually destroying me. The lifestyle I was living, while exhilarating and an adventurous, was keeping me in a continual loop of disappointment. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of marriage and having a family, hell I was playing house at the age of 5. But the role of a Spinster, would never get me to my Happy Ending.
Even in my last relationship, I found myself still afraid and wondering often, “Am I really ready to settle with one person… FOREVER?” Argh, it put a funny feeling in my stomach, but yet I remained open to searching it out and being open to the possibility of my “Happily Ever After”.
The relationship didn’t work out for many reasons and it took me quite some time to let it go. I’m still letting it go. However, once the reality set in that it was never going to patch back up, I made a declaration to the Universe.. “I’m ready to date!” So I did.
Of course, the adrenaline rush was there once again, as my dating escapades began to go from non-existent, to full on keep them coming, one after another, dating fiesta! I enjoyed it like I had before, but this time, something was different.. it wasn’t nearly as fulfilling. I was in a different city for some time dealing with family matters, but when I arrived back to where I now live, reality began to set in.
I live in an area where its more family oriented, smaller town, to where if I go on a date Friday night, the next night while out with my Saturday guy could turn into a meet and greet. ”Hello Mr. Friday, I’d like to introduce you to my Mr. Saturday”. Not the ideal scenario, so I don’t do it. Since I’m not able to date like the dating junkie I once used to be, it makes me sit back and ask myself the really hard questions.
“Is this really what I want?” ”Do I want to continue dating for years to come?” You see while I told the Universe that I was open to dating, I didn’t let out the “L” word. I didn’t say, “Hey Universe, I’m Open to Love!” No ways. I went through a break up over a year ago, why in the world would I set myself in the position to go through that again?
But did I really want to stay on the Dating train for the rest of my life? I’m 30, turning 31 this year, I want to start having children by 35. I’d like to enjoy my husband for several years, while having lots of wild sex before we’re waking up to crying babies!! This is the part where reality began to set in. You see dating for the sake of dating isn’t cutting it for me anymore.
I did it.. I let down my guard, I opened my heart and I changed my exclamation to the Universe, “Okay, okay… I give! I’m Open to Love!” Boy I let out a massive sigh as this took guts. Going through a heart break, the last thing I wanted to do was open this heart of mine again. But the truth is, being in a loving marriage with children, is what I’ve always desired. Of course, I still want to be an entrepreneur and will need the assistance of nannies, but most importantly, I’ve got to have that Love in my life!
Being a Spinster definitely has its full share of thrills, but I’m convinced that there’s nothing like being in a meaningful relationship where I’m loved for the essence of who I am. This will be my true satisfaction. Will I keep dating? Of course. But my intentions have been positioned to something more than my next high. While I’ll continue to learn through my dating, I know that what my heart truly wants is Love. So yes, I’m Open to Love!
Well dressed French men with British accents,…. applications are currently being received!
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