So many times in life we think we have to know it all and if we don’t then we’re screwed. Okay wait, let me back this up, once again I’ll make this about me, I typically think that I have to know everything and the phrase “I don’t know” makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I’m working on it, but it’s taking some major adjustments. For me, saying “I don’t know” makes me feel powerless, stupid and unaware. The flip side of this though, is when I think I have to know everything, I then find myself in the category of “over responsible”.
Let me paint a picture for you. “Oh, yah, that guy and I broke up because….”, “That guy has a weird vibe and its because…”, “I’m drawn to those particular kind of guys because…” and the list goes on. The more I think I know, the more comfortable I become, the less I know, well I’m irritable, sporadic, fidgeting with my hair and eating just for the sake of eating! It’s exhausting to tell you the truth and as I’m learning, it also can be quite arrogant.
When I feel I have to have an answer for everything, I find the weight I often carry is the weight of “Over Responsibility”, a weight my petite 5’6 body, can no longer carry. Over responsibility is a task that we may all be able to carry for quite some time, but at some point the pressure of it becomes too much to bare and you have to scream “Okay I give!”
This bad habit has also followed me into my dating and relationships, something I highly discourage. Sometimes being emotionally intelligent and connected, can also give me the idea that I can fix everyone around me, i.e. attracting lots of folks who are in high need of some attention. Trust me, I’ve got my hands full with myself, so to bring another candidate on board can make things a juggling act. In all truth, while its something that not only exhausts me, I’ve found that it also creates a precedence for pride to be my companion and for me there’s no sexiness in that.
The ball really dropped when a recent traumatic event occurred in my life, my baby sister was hit by a drunk driver and all of my answers were thrown out the window. You see, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened in my life. At the age of 7, I lost my best friend, my grandmother to cancer, several years later I lost a younger cousin to leukemia. A precious friend of mine I planned an 18th birthday party for, on her way to the party, died in a car accident. Several years from that I went through a divorce and now recently, this current event with my sister, who is still in hospital care. (I wish this were it, but unfortunately lots of other hard private moments have gone on, but for the sake of privacy to protect others confidentiality, I’ll not mention them here.)
Having an answer to everything has brought me comfort, kept my feet on the ground and I’ve continued to move on. The beauty about progressing with age, is that humility can often be a teacher that taps you on the shoulder and says “Hey, I’d like to give this a go and help you out here.” As humility and I have joined forces, I’ve come to realize that the truth is, I don’t have to know everything. In actuality, there’s a real freedom and a release to be able to say “Hey, I don’t know.” Those three words, remove the pressure from my shoulders and I find myself breathing easier than before.
I have also found that, while coaching others in dating and relationships, there may be those times where I have to throw out a bit fat “I don’t know”, while remaining comfortable in that position. Sometimes, the arrogance of having an “I know it all” mentality, can often create situations that have catastrophe written all over them. There are those times that we have to find the answers for ourselves in due time. Some things may go forever without an answer. For the most part, I’ve seen that when I can’t seem to get an answer, years later it appears. When I’m ready, that is.
So while I can’t tell you why this has happened to my sister, I can tell you that she is still here with us and we’re determined to fight until she has her life completely restored. While I can’t tell you why a particular relationship didn’t work out, I can tell you that I’ve given my heart time to heal and I remain open to love. And while I may not be able to tell you exactly why you’re still single, I can tell you that if you dream of love and if you remain open from your heart, you will find it.
“I don’t know” and I are becoming more acquainted these days, thankfully, though it has taken me years!! I’m not sure what position or situation you may have currently found yourself in, let me encourage you with the idea of allowing the “I don’t know” power to work in your life. Your answer may shortly be on its way, but striving for it to come today may be costing you severely. I can assure you that it’s robbing you of the present and your anger towards getting it resolved, can also be the same factor that’s pushing it away. Will our economy turn around tomorrow, I don’t know. Probably not. Will you find the love of your life tomorrow? I don’t know, possibly so.
Will I have coffee to start my day tomorrow morning…You can bet your bottom I will!