It wasn't the easiest of weeks I can tell you that. I wanted life to just pause, freeze, rewind, no... really I just wanted it to stop.
Another episode of my baby sister back in the ICU and it all happened within a month. "Really God? You've got to be kidding!! When will this F&*$% nightmare just be over with?"
For a recap, my baby sister was hit by a drunk driver back in 2010. Ever since that horrendous day I have yet to hear my baby sister speak, nor her husband or her five year old daughter for that matter.
It's been a saga with no ending point.
So when I got the call that my baby sister was back in the ICU, my mind
raged "I can't take this anymore!!" A suggestion I've screamed out numerous times on numerous occasions regarding my sister.
I've come to realize that while I may excel at many things, when it comes to my sister, the way I handle her situation really sucks. I've lashed out and tore apart a relationship I adored while going through it, I've shut down more times than I can keep up with and despite how much I've been proud of my vulnerability, I have ran from being consistently transparent more than I care to admit. (That's for another conversation.)
So when I finally broke (once again) one evening, I took it to my Facebook to hold myself accountable with how I was really feeling. Meaning... I put myself on blast.
Here's what I wrote:
"So all today I've been really sad and hurting inside. I've tried to keep a brave face, but yet deeply aching in my heart with my sister in the ICU again.
Couldn't stand being away from my family and my sister especially during this time and was ready to book a flight but for whatever reason the prices were ridiculous.
Sometimes it seems nothing else matters and the only thing I want to do is to crawl up next to my little sister and hold her.
I've felt sad, angry and at times completely shut off and dead emotionally today. Like a baby I want to be held and yet it hurts so bad that I just want to be all alone.
Four years of this pain and it just doesn't go away. I am so grateful to have Sarah with us, but to see my baby sister still like this has almost killed a part of my heart.
Today instead of getting angry at the drunk driver who did this to my sister (another round of her being in ICU)... I had compassion for him, I had compassion for Omar (that's his name). I had compassion because he didn't know how to cope with his pain, so he got crazy wasted and changed my sisters life, my family's life and my life forever.
The same way you may overeat to deal with your pain, or verbally abuse yourself, or the same way I was ready to lash out and rip off someone's head today because I still after all these years do not know how to always handle the pain of my sisters situation. Sure your pain may not have caused the physical damage that my sister has suffered, but I assure you your love ones suffer in silence.
At the end of it all, we are people who so desperately need to be loved, understood, cared for and nurtured.
You never know a persons story, or where they're at in life. Just hours ago I posted a picture with the word "FUN" but my heart was miles from feeling fun. It was my way of giving my mind and emotions a break from the pain.
All this to say... Love, love the people in your life. Be patient with them. Go the extra mile to hear their story so that you can gain understanding. Once you gain understanding compassion will lead the way.
But love. Damnit take the time to really love people and to love yourself.
Once again I brag on the fact that I have so many people that love me so well. So well that my precious and dear friend Sandra Kim who's a nurse at the hospital where my sister is at, took the time at 3am her time, to FaceTime with me so that I could see my sister. She had no idea that I was in so much pain today, but because she's a person who constantly keeps her love on, compassion lead the way. Compassion lead the way so that two sisters across two time zones could see each other and share their love for one another. Me with my words and Sarah with the movement of her legs and doing her best to keep her eyes open despite her long day in the ER and now ICU.
Thank you Sandra for being such a faithful loyal friend. This meant more than you know to me.
Thank you Elle and Shanna for reminding me the beauty of transparency and vulnerability. This has helped unlock a small portion of my heart that felt so locked and bolted shut just minutes ago.
Please continue to pray for my baby sister Sarah."
After I hit the "POST" button.. which felt like my heart was about to be seen and everyone was going to see me naked, that simple button made me question everything.
Still I pushed past the fear and made myself get incredibly transparent and I got out of the boat.
The boat of fear, hidden grief masked with a brave face of smiles and chose to walk on the naked waters of transparency.
If you're still reading this.... WoW! This is a mouthful. Thanks for staying with me.
Okay... now how does all this tie into you?
Many of men that I have spoken with all struggle with the same thing when it comes to women, dating and love.
They refuse to get out of the boat.
Fear despite how much it's acknowledged for being the filthy beast that it is, many men and women stay in the comforts of its grip.
Instead of stepping out of the boat or even rocking the boat, fear whispers "I'll be your companion of comfort", failing to mention that he robs you of all hope, you stay put, trusting his words of deceit.
The only way you will every reach out and receive love is by jumping out of the boat.
It's always amazing that whenever I've jumped out of the boat, rather than being smothered and suffocated by the waves, I've always found a firm landing pad. That landing pad has been love.
This time it was the love of friends who stepped out, shared love with me through their words, text messages, encouragement and so much more.
Had I not taken that courageous act of jumping out of the boat and getting naked with my friends on Facebook ...ie "Hey I don't really have it all together!! I'm hurt, I'm angry and I feel all alone in this!" the love that I received as a result of this brave act, all would've been missed.
Do yourself a favor, Get Out of the Boat!
And while you're on the water, say a prayer for my sister Sarah :)
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