We’re often identified as creatures of comfort. We get into routines where we go to the same restaurants to eat, we coordinate movie nights on the same nights and our favorite wine bar becomes the usual spot. You show up at your favorite spot to eat and as soon as you sit down, the same waitress walks up to you and knows exactly what you’ll be ordering.
So why would we think that this sort of behavior wouldn’t follow us into dating? If you haven’t ever thought about your past relationships, stop and think about them for a moment. What are some of the similarities that you find? For myself, almost most of my boyfriends were involved in real estate, as I was at one point and they were all very tender guys. Yes I love the softies!
Looks wise, they varied, personality wise they varied, but careers and the tenderness of their hearts were all the same. Other things were similar as well, which I’ve had to evaluate, but will not mention. Point being, there were certain things that I felt very comfortable with which is what attracted me to them.
Familiarity isn’t always a bad thing. I love the fact that I’m drawn to guys with tender, loving hearts. I’ve also loved the fact that all of the men I’ve dated, relationship wise, were also all aggressive go getters. I hope I’m always drawn to that. I just have to make sure that what is familiar is what feeds my heart as well.
Let’s say I’m a person who’s used to lots of yelling, I grew up around it and so therefore I’m comfortable with it. Well though I may be comfortable with it, my Type A personality doesn’t necessarily need someone like this. You can see where this could really go wrong and blow up in my face. So while the familiar may say, “Hey I’m used to this, it’s normal for me.”, it doesn’t necessarily equate to a healthy relationship on my behalf .
Allow me to encourage you to really evaluate what you’re drawn to. Guys will typically say things like “Ahh I dated that girl and she was crazy!!” Well you attracted her to you, so what does that say about you? What does that say about what you may be familiar with? Ladies will say, “Oh that guy I dated was such a jerk, total asshole.” Okay while that might be true, may I ask where have you given people permission to treat you differently then what you want? Where has being treated poorly become a familiar thing in your life?
Despite how excited or annoyed we may be with the people we’ve chosen to enter relationship with, the bottom line is we attract them into our lives and most of the time they serve as a representation of us, they mirror some part of us. I’d like to think that the men that were tender that I attracted into my life, represent that part of me… though I search for my tender side constantly . But the things that I haven’t been most crazy about, I have to take that into account as well and readjust what has been comfortable and be willing to make the inner change to only be drawn towards those whom will bring my heart more to life.
Dating the familiar is something that can come oh so naturally, yet it is best in the midst of that that we remain aware with clarity that the comfortable feeling we experience, is that which we truly want.
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