So this will probably not be one of my most inspiring, uplifting writings. You more than likely will not get butterflies, nor will you feel goosebumps. Running through a brick wall will not be next on your agenda after reading this. In fact, you may feel a bit sad, angry or possibly even hurt. But if you’re walking out a tough time, you will feel validated, you will feel known and most importantly, you will not feel alone.
October 18, 2010 my life was changed as my baby sister was hit by a drunk driver at 7:30 in the morning. Drunk at 7:30am, wtf right? I’ve written about her accident several times and unfortunately our fight, journey, nightmare is not over. (To read her story click here: http://galvestondailynews.com/story/184362/ ) I thought by now, April of 2012 our nightmare would be far from over, we’d be sitting around drinking coffee, talking about the accident and my sisters miraculous recovery.
Instead will be celebrating my sisters 21st Birthday in a nursing home, as she still cannot speak, walk, eat, or move her arms. F$%$%@ sucks right? You have no idea. Thankfully my sister recognizes us, responds to humor and has a loving husband and two year old daughter who have stood by her side throughout it all. Our family has stood by one another’s side and our love remains to be the pillar to keep us together.
For the past two months, hell it could’ve been longer, I haven’t been doing so well with it all. You never and I mean NEVER get used to seeing your baby sister laying in a vegetated state, when she used to live such a busy on the go lifestyle. I’ve been under this delusion that if I just moved to my hometown where she is in Texas, somehow things would miraculously change. I left California to be with my family a year ago and to be honest I haven’t seen very much change in my sister. Yes I still love her and I’m sure a million positive things could be said here, like “be glad you still have her” along with many other things, but when I hear that I smile and think “go to hell!” You could say “Just stay positive!” and I’ll be thinking “Yah suck it!”
Of course I don’t mean it, but it hurts and sometimes I don’t want to hear positive statements nor do I need a band with cheerleaders. I’d much rather someone say, “Arica this really sucks, I don’t understand what you guys are going through and I’m sorry.” What’s even worse is when I’ve responded out of that hurt, made poor choices and then I’ve been judged and criticized by friends and close ones who have witnessed what I’ve walked out. Trust me I’ve wanted to rip their heads off, tell them “F” off and never see them again. But then I realize that they don’t have a clue, they haven’t walked it out and to them it’s just something that they watch, but don’t have to live it out.
With all of it I’ve questioned a lot. I’ve questioned myself, my faith, people I trust, friends, life and of course the inevitable.. “why did this shit happen to my little sister?” I’m still waiting for a lot of those answers. But the one thing that I’ve found puzzling is why is it that we have this innate thing to pull people out of pain? While I do my best to stay positive, I’ve learned throughout this that people often times are not okay with pain.
Rather than just weeping with the other person as they hurt, we feel the need to fix them. We have a million cliches and positive things to throw out to pull them out of their pain. But is that what is always needed? I think not. Sometimes things just suck and people don’t always need to hear the positive affirmations. They just need to know that they’re loved, they’re not alone and the situation really does just in fact suck!
So for any of you out there going through a rough time and you’re feeling alone, let me assure you, you’re loved. Yes your situation does indeed suck, I don’t have the answers as to why it’s happening and you’re pain is justified, it is validated. If you’re hurting, that’s okay. If you’re in pain, that’s okay. If you’re really freakin angry and pissed off, it’s okay. The most comforting thing I’ve held onto is this… I am loved.
My family has been amazing. Some of my friends have been amazing. Some of them have been idiots and make me re-evaluate why they’re in my life. And as for my relationship with God, yes I have some major beef with Him right now. I’ve had it since the moment I saw my sister lying in the SICU fighting for her life. But He loves me. When I yell, scream and curse Him out, He still brings me peace, I still feel His presence and I am loved.
Please know that in your own pain, that you too are loved today too.